What’s The Deal With Wolfgang?

You remember Wolfgang, right? In Hey Arnold! he was the classic bully, a 5th grader beating up on 4th graders. Often seen throwing punches and stealing lunch money, Wolfgang was the ideal bully. He was bigger and stronger than everyone else, just begging for him to bully kids. But like, he was huge. Massive. Like, no question steroids are in the mix. Not only is he taller by about 2 feet then Arnold and crew, but he’s got muscles for days. How? It’s not like he’s just heavier than everyone, because in some episodes he is shown just dominating sports. Standard Danny Almonte situation basically. Bigger, faster, stronger….by a long shot.

So what gives? Does he work out? Keep in mind this kid is 11 years old. Lifting weights at that age is absolutely horrible for his growth. Steroids? Could a 5th grade kid get his hands on steroids? Could he even have the proper income to afford said steroids? I think to assume that he steals enough money from his parents and then goes into the city to convince drug dealers to sell him ‘roids on the reg is a little too farfetched. Let’s assume we were just witnessing an absolute freak show athlete.

Roid Rage

So back to the original question, what’s his deal? I mean, this kid is the next greatest athlete ever. Wolfgang is just oozing Bo Jackson potential. Why is he spending his free time beating up the Eugenes and Brainys of the world and not honing his skills for the next level? Something has to be up. How has someone not noticed this talent? Are his parents too dumb to realize they have a goldmine on their hands? How is he not involved in some sort of organized sports league? Someone has to have seen Wolfgang and seen the future. Something doesn’t add up here.

My theory is that he couldn’t hack it with the other sports prodigies. I mean, from Arnolds various adventures we have seen that Wolfgang is not the only roid head 5th grader walking around. Ludwig and Torvalt are equally as savage-like. Granted, Torvalt stayed back four years so technically he is 15 and probably already lifting weights. Ludwig also spent some time in Juvi, so he was probably exposed to some tough cookies. (Sidebar: a 10 year old in Juvi? Easy.)

The Sosa and McGwire of PS 118


The thing is, we rarely see these kids. Ludwig makes one appearance where he claims Gerald Field is actually his vacant lot. He even goes out of his way to punch Helga in the face (she deserved it?). Torvalt shows up twice, once where he twists his ankle and the other where he can’t pass a pretty easy test. Where did they go? Did Ludwig go back to juvi and Torvalt get kicked out of the school system? I think they were both recruited to private schools to polish their athletic skills. They have a bright future I’m betting.

Back to our boy Wolfgang. Since he didn’t get a ticket on the private school express, he’s left as the worst best kid at PS 118. And that is why he bullies kids. He knows he will amount to nothing, that the roids he may or may not have been taking will run out and eventually he will be forgotten. So now he takes every opportunity he can to get his way and be a bully. Stealing Arnolds football and truck sticking Harold into the turf. Pathetic.

~ Ya Boy


P.S. Think he and Big Patty ever get together? Like a Mike and Molly situation? It could happen.


One thought on “What’s The Deal With Wolfgang?

  1. […] because you got a tutor doesn’t make you a Torvald, even Jamie Lynn Spears got a tutor and she’s a mommy now, so she must be doing something […]

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