Sandy Cheeks Fired

Sandy Cheeks first moved to the lovely village of Bikini Bottom 12 years ago. With government money, she was allotted an underwater treedome, along with a gracious stipend for the purpose of performing various scientific experiments. Graduating from the Univeristy of Texas with a Ph.D> in marine biology, you would think that Dr. Cheeks would have been well qualified for the job, and Tree Dome Enterprises Limited clearly expected the same, sending a woman fresh out of graduate school into the depths of the ocean with no research team or even an adviser with more experience.

No, Dr. Cheeks started off her underwater career with some promise that may have been forgotten about. In her first year in Bikini Bottom she set out on quite the audacious project, attempting to fly up to the moon and harvest moon rocks to study them closer in her lab at the treedome. Now, we all know this project failed, which may have been due to the idiocy of Spongebob Squarepants and Patrick Star, who hijacked her spacecraft and subsequently crashed it. At the same time, however, some questions first need to be answered concerning her methodology. First, why would she try to fly to the moon with a rocket from underwater? That seems like an incredible waste of energy, gas, and time, especially when you consider the fact that she hails from Houston, which at the time had quite the moon project. Next, why would she go out of her way to build a rocket of such a caliber, when she had a jetpack that would fly her up to the moon on its own? Her methods are certainly questionable, but I guess her authorities decided to keep her on the project, expecting booming results from her eventually.

After the initial chaos of her space experiments, Sandy decided to take a different approach and stay local, experimenting within the confines of her own treedome.  If none of you noticed, she seemed to lose sight of all of this science business, focusing more on her own enjoyment and merriment until 2006 when her bosses came to check in on her work. (Now this all happened after everyone stopped watching Spongebob of course, but it is still important to the story of Dr. Cheeks so I shall be brief) More or less she was quoted as saying she had been trying all week to invent something good enough to show her bosses. All week? What have you been doing since 1999? Yeah, her moon project failed, but you have to think that in seven years of being there she would start and make decent headway on at least one experiment, but nope. Her bosses, being chimpanzees, ended up being quite content with her banana-peeling robot which she made by accident.

They ended up giving her a contract extension, but when they went down there this fall, they decided, given the current economy and their overall budget, perhaps an underwater treedome wasn’t the most cost effective plan for them at the moment, considering her lack of accomplishments. I mean, this information really should not be that surprising, should it? First of all, can she really be that intelligent of a scientist if she didn’t realize Spongebob and Patrick might need water to survive? They are sea creatures, living in water. Even an eight year old would know to put a sea creature in some water to enhance its chance of survival. And furthermore, she spends all of her time doing karate, working out, and other self-fulfillment taksts, you have to assume there is no time for her experiments. On top of that, she misses a good three months of the year due to her hibernation patterns (speaking of which, how does she know about Christmas if she is asleep in the winter?)

Point is, we all loved you Sandy, but it’s kind of your own fault, isn’t it? You came down to Bikini Bottom a very headstrong and enthused scientist, trying to impress everyone by embarking on the very first space program based underwater, only to 12 years later have nothing to show for. Good luck back in Texas, we’re all pulling for you.

-Little Spoon

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One thought on “Sandy Cheeks Fired

  1. Libby says:

    Did she really get a Ph.D.?

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