Kill, Fuck, Marry

Kill Fuck Marry is a game oft-played by American teenagers in which 3 potential mates are presented to a player. The player must then decide to kill one, fuck one, and marry the remaining person. This game was invented by the Persians in 400BC as a means to settle disputes between rivaling lords. Each man would present three options to the other, in the exact same structure that we play today. The only difference is that this shit was real. Whereas we use this game for imaginary purposes, the Persians were actually doing this in real life.

The reason I bring this up is that one of my friends presented me with the following KFM scenario and I just knew I had to share it with the rest of the class along with a breakdown for why I chose my picks. I feel it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t provide a little explanation. The candidates were: Trixie Tang, Debby Thornberry, and Olga Pataki.


This may seem difficult to some, but after a logical breakdown, I think I have found an answer with which I am comfortable.

Let’s start with the kill:

Kill seems like an extreme measure to take on a woman, especially when her only crime is being less attractive or less suitable to marry than two other girls. But we must remember that this is a dramatization, and even if it was real, these are the issues our ancestors had to once deal with (at least those of us with Persian blood running through our veins)

But I am going to kill off Debbie Thornberry right here. She does have some solid attributes, including that she is the hot older sister with the bad-girl “I want to get out of here attitude.” Some may even be turned on by the fact that she seems to have the look of a cross between Taylor Swift and Ke$ha. There are some flaws, though, which I think outweigh both of these. First, she is clearly not marriage material, because she is a BITCH. Pardon my extreme terms, but come on. She is not down for adventure in any way. You’d think that someone who has done as much travelling as she has would gain at least some character or life perspective, but its really dull in that regard. Even if you could get past that all, would you really want to go to their family reunions? On second thought, family reunions might be a good ti me there. Nigel would be a fantastic father-in-law in some senses. At least I’m sure he’d be cool with anyone marrying his daughter at this point. But still, I think she would get old real fast. And on that note, she probably wouldn’t keep her cool or attractive vibe much past her late 20’s. She is a burnout and not worth it.

The Fuck:

This one has got to be obvious. I’m fucking Trixie Tang on this one. If it is not obvious why, it is because she is the most popular girl in school. What guy has not dreamed of that one? Can you imagine having the reputation of having gotten it on with the single most attractive girl in your given area. She is undisputed by everyone. The kids love her, the parents love her, hell even the bus driver calls special attention to her when she gets on the god damn bus. People even get excited by the potentiality that she will simply talk to the. “Now Trixie will totally talk to us”- Dad. Look, if you’re not on board with this I only have one question for you?

You want I should explain the chart?


If you haven’t deduced the following, I’m choosing to marry Olga Pataki on this one. She is perhaps the most perfect character in the history of the world. She is drop dead gorgeous for starters. Furthermore she is absolutely brilliant. We’re talking about a girl who was in TEARS when she thought she got a B+. She had let the world down, because her brilliance was unable to shine through to the world. She is a giver. She even spelled qualm correctly in the spelling bee. (Ed. note: It took me like 8 spell-checks to get that one right, I thought it was spelled ‘qualx’) Plus, if that’s not enough, you get to be boys with Big Bob Pataki. You are set for life now. You are now the son-in-law of the Beeper King. Now I know people say he’s an asshole, but when has he ever shown to be so towards Olga? If you are good enough to marry Olga, I am positive that Big Bob would treat you like pure royalty. She is the quintessential woman that one wants to marry. Her traditional good looks and overall wonderful character are enough to last you a lifetime.

I hope you all agreed with this and on that note I am sorry that I am a day late on this post.

I just have to say that I’m sorry I let Mr. Krabs down, I let all of Bikini Bottom down, but most of all I let you down, you delicate little Krabby Patty. But on the real, I dropped the ball the last two times, I’ll work on being on time from now on.

~Little Spoon


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