How Old is Spongebob?

This debate has been fermenting within the FDAB Team for quite some time now. How old is Spongebob? We have had many arguments on this subject, with no final answer decided. There are many significant factors in this debate, so I will break it down for you and try to come up with an answer.

The internet told me that Spongebob was born on July 14th, 1986. The internet claims that this date is printed on his driver’s license, so boom done deal. However, since the show first aired on July 17, 1999 (I was there) that would make Spongebob 13 at said airing time. I’m no scientist, but 13 seems a little young to be a home owner. #Jusssayin. Plus I believe that this date was taken from a recent episode of Spongebob, and we all know that those simply do not count. Alas, the internet has lied to me (shocker), so I am forced to make my own judgment. Lehgo!

Here’s what we do know: Spongebob is a home owner, is the premier chef at the finest eating establishment ever established for eating, cannot pass boating school and genuinely looks up to washed up super heroes. Kind of a mixed bag in terms of figuring out his age. Like if I told you I was a fry cook at Wendy’s, still couldn’t pass my driving test and my main influences in life were Batman and Robin, you’d guess I was like 15 right? And like a loser 15 year old. But then I throw at you that I have my own house, suddenly you don’t know what to think. What gives?

Let’s start with the underwater pineapple. My guess here is that real estate must be real cheap. Spongebob has nice diggs for only working as a fry cook. He has his own library and multiple big rooms for just himself and Gary. Also, Squidward’s house is pretty awesome given that he is just a cashier. I assume he makes less money than Spongebob, but either way they both have awesome cribs. Even Patrick, who is an award winning lazy piece of shit, has some land to his name. One could argue that these are just low income housing…but still why would a youngster move into one of these? I’m sticking with cheap real estate on this one.

Spongebob is also a fry cook. While he is the best fry cook at the best restaurant, how much money could he really be making? Apparently a lot, because this dude has money to blow. He bought a huge TV and threw it away just to play with the box. That just doesn’t happen in the real world. But it really doesn’t add up, since Mr. Krabs is a crustaceous cheapskate, having once charged his employees for breathing and standing. So maybe he makes middle to low income earnings, and is just bad with his money? With the real estate apparently so cheap, maybe he can afford to make it rain.

The guy can’t pass his boating exam. This is a toss-up honestly. One could turn to the argument of some sort of mental disorder, combining this with the fact that he jelly fishes and blows bubbles on the reg. I don’t think that’s the case, I think he truly is just super immature, not unlike myself. So he could be a younger, or older, dude who was simply not put in the ocean to drive boats. Hey, it happens. Something interesting to note is that Spongebob operated Sandy’s rocket correctly, but can’t drive a boat. Ok guy.

There are a few other points to consider here. Patrick mentions once that he ran into Flatts, his old community college buddy. Patrick could easily be older than Spongebob, but it’s worth mentioning. Spongebob has also shown some entrepreneurial skills, creating the wildly successful but short lived phenomena “Pretty Pattis.” He also has the ability to grow sideburns, but it does take him years to harvest them.

All things considered, I’m placing Spongebob in the range of 21-23 years old. I mean, what does it for me is that he’s out on his own, making a living. Apparently being the top fry cook (better than Neptune even) is a good enough job to stay out of debt. He j does what he loves, and would prob work there for free. And while he may find joy in the simpler things in life, such as kare-a-tay and hypo-allergenic plants, he is not young, just young at heart.

I don’t blame him, seems like it’s easy to get by in Bikini Bottom. So maybe college wasn’t in the cards for him, he just went straight to fry cooking. He can own a house near his best friend, and has reached the pinnacle of the fast food game. He can grow his own sideburns, take on new business ventures, and keep food on the table for him and Gary. Not bad for a 20-something bottom feeder.

Happy Opposite Day!

– Ya Boy


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