Hall Monitor- Who Ya Want?

Now I’m sure we’ve all seen tv shows that have a hall monitor of sorts, so I am going to forego the definition and all that good stuff. But if you are ANYTHING like me, you have neither seen nor heard of any school actually having a hall monitor. That being said, if you could take yourself back to the early years, say 4th grade in this example, who would you have wanted as your hall monitor?

To take a further look we’re gonna have to use concrete examples, in the form of the hall monitors we saw in our youth.

Let’s take a look first at the world of Hey Arnold! whence and wherefore the first hall monitor we met at the glorious P.S. 118 was Helga “The Horrible” G. Pataki.

This girl seems to be the worst possible hall monitor you could have, I mean let’s not get ahead of ourselves before we weigh all of the options, but students were quoted as saying that no one could be as bad as she is. We’re talking about a girl who strolls down the halls hitting people who are drinking from the water fountain for too long. I take large issue with this one, because if there is no line, you should be able to drink as much water as you want. I mean has any of us ever been satisfied after that count-to-five bullshit? I doubt it. And if you were, then you weren’t actually thirsty and you were just being a jackass holding up the line. But furthermore Helga was also the first hall monitor in P.S. 118 history to ensure that no one stepped on the cracks of the tiles. This ludicrous behavior is way too much for me. I’m not tryina get detention for stepping on a crack, I’m not finna look down at each and every tile to make sure I’m stepping in line. Albeit, it would be nice to ensure that my mother’s back wasn’t getting cracked. But still, I’m saying no Helga on this one.

Let’s look at Helga’s successor, Phoebe Heyerdahl.

Helga chose her successor as is customary at P.S. 118. (Which makes you wonder who in the hell chose Helga in the first place? I mean, given her personality, you’re really shaving a rattlesnake) Now you’re probably going to have the same reaction as her fellow students had, and be really curious as to how THAT’S going to work. Some may think, oh sweet, we have a pushover so we can wreak havoc. But no, you have to understand that Phoebe does in fact have a backbone, and it’s name is Helga. See, Helga really wanted a second term (she even asked for one) but when she was denied it, she chose Phoebe so as to mask the fact that she is still hall monitor. But we all saw that Phoebe’s boosted confidence just led her to be just as tough as an other hall monitor in existence. She was brutal, and definitely even worse than Helga. I attribute it to her combination of power hunger and braininess.

So perhaps the world of Hey Arnold! is not the right path to observe. Lindbergh Elementary School also had its fair share of hall monitors. We got front runner Chuck Lester. This guys like classic hall monitor, everything you’d expect. AKA douchebag. Textbook Chuck looks something like this: You and your boys show up to school at 7:59, give or take, (assuming school starts at 8 sharp). He proceeds to hold you outside until the bell rings so he can call you late. Then he tacks on as many demerits as humanly possible. This guy is not your friend at all. I’m sure you wouldn’t want him either, he is Lindbergh’s Helga.

Unfortunately for Lindbergh, Jimmy is Lindbergh’s Phoebe.

You’d think that James Isaac Neutron would be your buddy, right? I mean he’s always making these crazy sick inventions that any kid would want to try to coast through school and childhood with no problems (we’re talking hypno-rays, bubble gum that lets you instantly know an entire book). But naturally, he decided to take on this task with attempts to be the best possible. Talk about having a big head (Pun most certainly attended). Now he may be the worst case yet, and I’ll tell you why. His technology crap gave him access to all knowledge of your prior offenses and personal information. Is that legal? We’ll get into that debate later. Either way, I don’t need some kid I do or don’t know carrying that knowledge. Furthermore, I don’t need him using my record to determine whether he was gonna give me a break. Be objective sir. Hugh Neutron, his duck-loving father, even warned him about this happening, but he of course didn’t listen.

Okay. These have all sucked. Would you want any of these? I know you’re probably racking your brain, wondering what this guy is doing right now? But I’ve got one more for ya. Spongebob Squarepants.

This kid has wanted to be hall monitor for quite possibly decades. It was his dream. Does that mean he would be good? Well let’s take a look at what happened. He gave a speech that lasted the ENTIRE DAY. I mean, who knows how long boating school is… but if it’s long enough that they need a hall monitor, I’m going to assume it’s the length of your average school day (We also need to talk later about how long one is supposed to take boating school, what was driver’s ed, like 30 hours? anyways) So this has got to be the most boring thing in the entire world, listening to a guy talk about Crime and Punishment, Punishment and Crime, IN THE HALL!. And then he goes on to destroy the entire city.

Weighing these factors together, I come to two conclusions. First, hall monitors clearly are a terrible idea (if we are going to assume these cartoons are proper evidence for what happens to kids). These average, every day, good kids get really power hungry and it seems to completely poison their brains. Not only that, but you are probably screwing this kid for the rest of his or her life. Now we never get to see what happens to these hall monitors when they grow up, but I’m sure the spite and hatred doesn’t go away all willy-nilly, unless the kid becomes the big party thrower or something like that. But you are pitting the entire student body against one kid, good call society. Maybe that’s why hall monitors are non-existent. I must admit though, I do know of one case of a real life hall monitor. My brother’s mom, who just so happens to be my mom, was once a monitor of the halls. But anyways. If I had to choose one, I’m going Spongebob all the way here. It’s not even a contest in my opinion. Yeah, you have to listen to a terrible speech, but that versus needing to pay attention to school? Which would you choose? Plus your teacher probably isn’t going to get mad at you for sleeping, so you get a free nap. Double win.

Moral: Thank god there are no more hall monitors, they’re assholes.

~Little Spoon

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