Stoop Kid Afraid To Stop Kicking It So Hard

This has got to be one of the biggest oversights in the history of time. One of the most famous characters of all time, Stoop Kid, got a raw deal. Everyone knows the age old adage, “Stoop Kids afraid to leave his stoop!” Images of New Yorkers just ragging on this kid all because he doesn’t want, nay, can’t, leave his stoop. You got fat ass Harold just heckling the shit out him from a safe distance and major news outlets dedicating the front page to his refusal to vacate his stoop. I think this is all misguided. Stoop Kid was not afraid to leave his stoop. Stoop Kid was afraid to stop kicking it so incredibly hard.

Local legend, as told by Gerald Johansson, suggests that Stoop Kid was dropped off on the stoop either by his mother or by aliens. From there, he just stayed on the stoop and never left. (sidebar: local legend does not specify how Stoop Kid maintained a healthy lifestyle regarding nourishment, outside of apples, which in the winter would prove worthless, but I digress) Everyone is falsely reading into this tale, saying he is “scared” or a “baby.” Stoop Kid is not scared to leave his stoop; he is just kicking so absurdly hard he sees no reason to leave. How the neighborhood mixed this one up is beyond me.

Think about it. Everyone is going around saying, “Oh man, Stoop Kid is so mean, if you even look at his stoop he yells at you, wah wah wah.” Grow up. If you guys are just gonna rip on the dude, no duh he’s gonna yell at you. I mean, the dude is kicking it, straight up, on his stoop. He was minding his own business, doing his thing, and everyone was blowing up his spot. Honestly, home boy is in the middle of an extremely long chillsesh, how are you gonna hate on that?

You know what the worst part is? Goddamn Arnold getting involved yet again in something that is not his business. I’ve been known to kick it fairly hard in my day, and nothing is worse than some punk-ass-skirt-wearing-no-last-name-having kid step on my scene. Seriously, of course Arnold has to tamper with Stoop Kid’s kick-sesh. Just steals his football back like the rules don’t apply. At this point, obviously Stoop Kid gets pissed off, but is afraid to stop kicking it like the only way he knows how. Then everything gets blown out of proportion, the media gets a hold of the story, and boom now everyone is on his case. What the hell? A dude should have the right to post up where he seems fit.

Of course, Arnold is not done there. No no. After exploiting Stoop Kid’s chillsesh, he tries to patronize him and teach him about the world. Like, easy there guy. I’m posted up here so hard, I’m really not trying to get learned on some worldly garbage. Please get outta my zone and just let me kick it bro. Arnold is often seen as such a good guy, but he’s in the wrong here. Let’s recap for a moment. He blew up Stoop Kid’s spot, an inexcusable offense. Then, after humiliating the guy, he tries to be like “Oh man, Stoop Kid, let me patronize you right in the spot you are trying to kick it. Look at me, give me attention.” Get outta here guy, so butthurt.

But fear not, Stoop Kid gets the last laugh. Just switches the spot light on himself, taking it away from Arnold. Just captivates all of NYC. Everyone wants to get a piece of Stoop Kid kicking way too hard all up in everyone’s girllpiece. Takes one step off, and boom, front page news. Has anyone ever done less to be famous? Like people claim Kim Kardashian didn’t do anything to be famous, but she did a hell of a lot more than Stoop Kid. Like, he is famous for literally sitting in one spot. Straight boss hog. Then he gets Arnold to think he changed him, gets him off his back. Smart move brah. Then what does he do? Oh ya goes back to kicking it. Touché Stoop Kid, touché.

So back to my original point. How did everyone misread this situation? Like sorry that Stoop Kid is going HAM on a bro sesh. There was really no need to make this an ordeal. It definitely doesn’t help that Arnold has to make it all about him either. Stoop Kid, like any true G, did not ask for attention. Just wanted to hang out and kick it all day, erryday. I feel bad for him, but luckily he was smart enough to get everyone off of his back and do what he does best, j chill on his stoop.

Lesson learned: Don’t interrupt a kick sesh, ever. Haters gonna hate, slaters gonna slate. Play on playa, play on. #StoopKidKickSesh

-YB

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