Tha Dogg Pound: Ultimate Crew

First off, shouts to The Tall John for recommending this blog topic, kids a stud. Today, the FDAB Team looks into the world of cartoon man’s best friend: dogs. Since dogs are so loyal and great friends, we’re gonna go ESPN Next Level on this track, and create an ultimate crew of dogs to roll with. This is a complete crew that won’t ever be taken lightly. Men, hide the women. Women, bring an extra pair of panties. Game on.

In my eyes, the ideal crew of dogs would have the following characters in tact: the Player, the Douche, the Bro, the Wild Card, the Muscle and the Wingman. Each squad needs the straight player, obviously, and no player is complete without a wingman. The bro is essential, keeps things mellow, while the wild card is unpredictable. In a sense, these two create a perfect balance. You need to have some muscle, in case anyone tries to step on your scene. And of course, every crew needs a douche, a devil’s advocate of sorts.

So, without further Freddy ado, I give you The Crew:

The Douche: Brian Griffin

Let’s get the douche out of the way first. Brian will prove to be the perfect d-bag because of his obnoxious views on religion, smoking the reefer, and his subpar writing skills that he thinks are awesome. Can’t you just see him at the bar, while you’re trying to spit game at some girl, and he goes off on a tangent about how the early writings Chomsky really define his life? Classic douche. Then he would follow up this rant with a plug for his next book, and then the hottie in question will undoubtedly leave you and tell every chick at the bar that you suck. Dammit.

The Muscle: McGruff the Crime Dog

Look, no one likes to fight. I could’ve picked a big bruiser, someone ready to scrap at the drop of a hat. But this is an ultimate crew. They don’t wanna fight, they wanna just do what they when they do what they do. So when danger rears its ugly head in the form of a fight, enter McGruff. He’ll be there to take a bite out of crime and ensure nothing goes down. Hey, maybe you’d like a bruiser to roll with, but personally I would feel safer with the legal system on my side. Plus, I don’t wanna be bailing out my friend or getting kicked out of bars on the reg. Just rather have the Crime Dog posted up, ensuring my safety.

The Wild Card: Snoopy

Snoopy is the ideal wild card because the dude just oozes creativity. Like, you honestly never know what angle he is gonna play when you go out. Could be Joe Cool (hopefully) or it could be the Flying Ace (bad ass). You just never know. But that’s the beauty of the wild card, anything is possible. Plus, he is a sick shortstop that cranks out home runs. Instant advantage in any beer softball league. You really can’t find that combo of fielding and power these days, save the immortal Dustin Pedroia. Snoopy embodies everything a crew could ask for out of the wild card, and by all accounts he’s happy to do his thing and play the part.

The Bro: Scooby Doo

Scooby Dooby Doo is the bro to counter balance Snoopy. I feel like Scooby would keep the group honest, and point out the obvious danger in any situation (and tell McGruff to take a bit out of it). Like, if we all went out and partied super HAM, Scoobs would be there at the end to remind us all that we need to find Scooby Snacks to prevent any and all hangovers. Plus, if your finna go all Wiz Khalifa for the night, I’d much rather tag team it with Scooby than Brian. Just a good option for a chill night. Sure you couldn’t count on him in your most trying times, but that’s why this is a crew.

The Wingman: Porkchop

Speaking of trying times, Porkchop is the go to for bailing out a friend. Porkchop was born and raised a wingman, no one could ever knock him for that. He is the number one dog on this list that you can count on for any and all adventures you may take. He never asks questions, just goes with the flow. And really, isn’t that all you want from a wingman? Just be supportive and carry out the mission. He’s ready for whatever, which makes him ideal for picking up chicks. Just read and react to the situation Porkchop, and let’s slay some bitches. Plus, he’s got experience as a secret agent AND a superhero sidekick. I mean, just throw out the other applications and hire this guy on the spot. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention he lives in an igloo. Talk about a game changer when bringing the females back for the night.

The Player: Tramp

This is the obvious choice. Tramp is a serious playa pimp, the original ladies’ man. Think about it, the dude was just roaming the streets as a bad ass and then when a certified smoke show got into a little trouble, he came to rescue and the rest is history. Plus, dude was getting after it big time with tons of other chicks around town before Lady came by. The Lady had the audacity and tried to get all mad and call him out for it, but of course Tramp didn’t even flinch. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Whatever. I can’t think of a better dude to roll with. Just slaying women left and right, with a hottie on the side. Women don’t stand a chance when Tramp gets locked in. Game over when he decides to get it in. Tramp is a serious player and chances of smokeshows hovering in your grillpiece is 200% when you’re out with him. Do it Tramp!

(Sidebar: The fact that he gets any chick he wants and his name is Tramp speaks volumes to advanced level of game he was spitting.)

This is usually where I would wrap up and recap about what I just wrote, but this crew speaks for itself. If you ever see these boys rollin around town, you better hope they’re in the market for a new friend, because you’re gonna wanna get in on that action. Trust me.

-Ya Boy

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One thought on “Tha Dogg Pound: Ultimate Crew

  1. The Tall John says:

    3 Things:
    1) That shout out was awesome. Cheers.
    2) 1 dog left missing: Spike from Rugrats. Easily ranks as “Best Buddy”.
    3) With all those other dogs, what are the chances that Tramp has every dog STD?

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