Squidwards Life Stays the Same

I’m sure there are some of you out there who have been thinking, “Ok, obviously the name for this blog title is genius, but how and why did they pick it?!” Legally I cannot provide any answers to these questions, but I can tell you that Squidward bestowed our name to the world. In the episode where he tells Squilliam Fancyson III that he owns a 5 Star restaurant, he turns to Spongebob for help. In a moment of Zen, he expresses to Spongebob the following piece of advice: “Empty your mind of everything that doesn’t have to do with fine dining…fine dining, and breathing.” Alas, a blog name was born.

So what’s the point? The point is here, today, I want to point out how grouchy Squidward could have changed his life for the better and simply did not answer the call to action, thus continuing on his miserable life.

Here’s the set up: Squidward wove a string of lies to Squilliam and claimed he owns a 5 Star restaurant. He then decided the best idea going forward was to enlist the help of Mr. Krabs, Sponebob and Patrick to turn the Krusty Krab into a 5 Star restaurant. So far so good. Then, when realizing that obviously Mr. Krabs and Patrick are no help whatsoever, he begs Spongebob to learn how to become a fancy waiter in 20 minutes. Just when all hope was lost, Squilliam walks into what is indeed a 5 Star restaurant, all thanks to Spongebob.

Did you catch that last part? Spongebob dropped everything, did what he had to do, and created a restaurant for Squidward…with no incentive. How many times did Squidward decline Spongebob’s invitations to go jellyfishing? Or how many times did Spongebob want to hang out on Lief Erickson Day and Squidward ignore it? Spongebob could have easily turned down Squidwards desperation plea for help, but instead took the high road and created art.

Now, here’s the make or break moment in the episode, and possibly Squidwards life. Squilliam, after duly noting that “it’s as if all he knows is fine dining…and breathing!,” asks Spongebob for his name. Since Spongebob had cleared his mind of everything that didn’t have to do with fine dining and breathing, he forgot his name. He has a mental breakdown and things go haywire, and Squilliam once again comes out on top, while Squidward still sucks eggs.

My assertion is that Squidward could have avoided humiliation by simply stepping in and either answering the question himself, or by whispering the answer in Spongebob’s ear. Is that so hard? I think not. Had he done this, things would have continued to go smoothly, and Squidward would feel that sweet tingling feeling that is victory, and who knows, things could have really turned around in his world. But nope, Squidward didn’t react, didn’t even think about helping Spongebob.

Classic help me help you situation. Like bro, I forgot my name, so throw me a bone and I’ll continue to j run this restaurant at a high volume and give you all the credit. Doesn’t seem so hard. But, I suppose this is the life of a curmudgeon, (Editor’s note: I spelled that correctly on my first try. Get some.) things can never just go your way. I blame it on Squidward completely, because honestly you gotta know when to step up. The kid was giving in 110% and Squidward just let it all go to waste. Much like his trip to Tentacle Acres, what was once a great thing turned sour, and life continued on its dreary path for poor old Squidward.

One could argue, however, that even with Spongebob fully loaded, dishin his name out to anyone and everyone, things would have eventually gone south given the fact that Mr. Krabs and Patrick were still causing a ruckus behind the scenes. Doubt it. Its kinda like Backyard Baseball. Like I’m not really fazed in the slightest that I ended up with Dmitri “Paste” Petrovich, Lisa “Mad Dog” Crockett and Jorge “Bonkers” Garcia on my starting roster. As long as I’m rolling with Pablo Sanchez at cleanup, there’s a serious chance I’m winning this game by 10 runs. He’s a guaranteed home run, and if by some miracle the baseball gods frown upon him, I’m just gonna steal home and there’s nothing you can do about it. No matter if you’re going up against the Kahn Brothers, Kenny “Wheels” Kawaguchi and Stephanie “Bubbles” Morgan… I’ve got the most racially insensitive character ever blasting homers out the park. (Sidebar: Angela Delvecchio is easily the biggest draft day steal of all time. Chick can pitch for days. In related news, Tony Delvecchio is the biggest d-bag possibly ever. That kid sucks.)

Same applies for this situation. Squidward might have the literal equivalent of Dmitri and Jorge in Patrick and Mr. Krabs, but bro you got the Secret Weapon in Spongebob. Poor managing basically… you gotta know your talent and how to handle it.  Spongebob would have carried this thing to victory start to end, there’s no question. Instead, since Squidward dropped the ball, we’ve Mr. Beef Wellington grading some dudes ass and throwing hot soup in another guys armpits. Place turned into a zoo faster than you can flank steak.

To conclude, Squidward ends up just the way we like him, miserable and cantankerous (Editors note: I just typed in grumpy and clicked on synonyms in Word). But maybe that’s the way it should be, because what fun would it be if Squidward was happy and successful? Plus, it gave us this amazing blog title, so we can thank him for that.

In the end, Squidward goes back to being a cashier, and Squilliam takes everyone for a ride in his balloon/casino.

– Ya Boy

Special Clip of the Day, maybe the greatest thing ever made, as requested by TinTin:

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