Ah yes, a good ole game of Marry Fuck Kill. And this time up to bat are the chicks from Boy Meets World: Topanga, Angela and Rachel. On the surface it seems like an easy call, a no brainer if you will. Alas! When I took some precious time to think about this question, I realized that Boy Meets World has taken what we thought we think and made us think we thought our thoughts we’ve been thinking our thoughts we think we thought… I think? Basically, this question is not so cut and dry as one might assume.
Disclaimer: This author is using the characters circa the time Rachel showed up, so like when Eric and Jack had that sick apartment and somehow Mr. Feeney got a job teaching the cast in college for like every class, and also when Cory got suspended from college for literally one day which quietly isn’t a thing.
Let’s start with Topanga and Angela. Now, conventional wisdom would state that you marry Topanga and get a little rowdy rowdy with Angela. This is fair, because Topanga shows great loyalty as a girlfriend/wife and ends up being a smokeshow. Also Angela is a black chick so that’s kind of awesome for picking one of them to bone. Sidebar: It’s really awesome. Now, they both have their downsides, naturally. Topanga, despite her longevity and loyalty, has had a minor mess up here and there, most notably a questionable close call with Shawn. Angela, on the other hand, seemed to be indecisive on her relationship with Shawn. On again, off again. Get it together woman!
But here’s my take: I am marrying Angela here. Say what?! Yes its true. Topanga has way too much baggage for my liking. I mean, she dated Cory from middle school through college. I’m not trying to marry that and deal with all of the fall out. Cory did this, Cory did that. All day long, it never ends! Plus, I’m not nearly as hilarious as Cory, so I feel like Topanga would be let down constantly because I just can’t make her laugh like he used to. That would eventually take a toll on our matrimony and we would end up like Mr. and Mrs. Bighead. Yikes. I’d rather bang out Topanga and then immediately ditch her at breakfast the next morning, if only to brag to everyone that I did the dirty with Topanga Lawrence, and I was so baller that I ditched her at breakfast. Fictional character bone sesh swag for days.
Marrying Angela is an easy choice for me. She could appreciate that I am good kid, not some wanna be tough guy like Shawn Hunter. I don’t have abandonment issues and I am on track to provide for a family. Can Shawn say that? Didn’t think so. That’s why she would be drawn to me instantly and we would make a great biracial couple. Throw in the fact that she turns out to be a journalist, which is huge. Think about the possibility of traveling for her stories. I like me some travel time, so I could j lounge while she is writing some stories. I would push her to be a travel writer or a sports reporter obviously. March Madness here I come. Plus, you gotta take any chance you can to create black baby ballers to go to the NBA/NFL and make that pro athlete cash. Child athlete swag for days.
I am obviously murdering Rachel. Not even gonna think twice about this one. It becomes a question of how at this point. As in, how will I slaughter this chick? What I never understood was why do Jack and Eric battle over her? I kind of get Eric’s position…he is such a moron that he just does whatever Jack does. While this is hilarious, it doesn’t mean that two awesome dudes with an even more awesome apartment should be fighting for the love of some pale ginger who is loudly 7’4. Did anyone think she was hot? I mean Jack could do a lot better right? No swag here, just the consequences of playing the dirty little game of Marry Fuck Kill.
Editors Note: Mrs. Matthews was sneaky hot for a 90’s TV mom. Since I wouldn’t dare cross Mr. Matthews I left her out of this little shindig. Believe you me, if she was thrown in the mix we might have had a riot on our hands. Respect for Mr. Matthews swag for days.
~The Real Ya Boy
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