Halloween: The Worst Candies Ever

To our esteemed followers and  readers, the writers of FDAB would first and foremost like to thank you for bearing with us through our sabbatical. It has been a tough and grueling process, but in response to the random likes we have been getting on our Facebook pages, Ya Boy and Little Spoon have decided to make our triumphant return. Similar to my nickname on the basketball court this will either be a Trick or Treat. Hopefully the latter.

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Which brings me to today’s topic. As we are all aware, today is Halloween, so I would like to take you through quite possibly the worst candies to receive as a child. I mean we’re all looking for the one house that is giving out the king-sizes (maybe even hit that house 3 or 4 times), because the fun size really is not that fun…

Almond Joy:

As a child, I didn’t even know these two words could exist concurrently, but I soon came to realize, as every strapping young lad would, that this candy is as much of a “Joy” as my dad’s Goya Delight is a “Delight.” Seriously parents, unless these are on sale and you are a giant cheapskate, the only viable reason you have to be handing out these or Mounds is if you are very hopeful and think kids are going to donate these to their elementary school’s charity candy drive.

Raisinets:

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Don’t get me wrong, these actually taste kind of good. But what kid wants raisins for Halloween?  Do you know how easy it is to get your hands on these things during the rest of the year? I am a kid, and I am looking for candy. For me, this doesn’t make the cut. This is like something that a math teacher gives out three of to anyone who can do times tables.

Pay Day/ Baby Ruth:

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I don’t even understand where these come off as candies. First off, Baby Ruth needs to seriously consider the fact that everyone in this country is convinced that it is named after Babe Ruth (which would be kind of weird that they called him baby…) but it’s actually named after Grover Cleveland’s daughter. Second, it honestly looks like a turd. Whatever. Pay Day is missing a huge ingredient…chocolate. We all want chocolate. Obviously we want some more diversity than that, but no one wants nuts and nougat and no chocolate. If you are giving these out, I am likely to turn my nose up.

Good and Plenty:

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Arguably the most misleading candy name in the history of candies. There certainly are plenty, because one is more than enough. These are god awful. I don’t know if I have ever met anyone who likes these, and I don’t think I want to. The other candies on this list at least have some trading potential with the few weirdos that would rather have them than a Reese’s cup. But no one trades for these. They are a poor man’s Mike and Ike and nobody wants these. Not to mention, they look like medicine and unless you somehow scored some bubblegum medicine, no one wants that. The next step is any of a number of grape candies that taste like cough syrup.

Caramel Apple:

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Though I may never have actually seen this given out in real life, I know people give them out. Do these people understand that I am trying to just lug around a pillow case full of candy and I really am not trying to carry around a sticky apple in my hand all night?  This also goes along with the Raisinets thing about giving out fruits. Get outta here.

Wax Bottles:

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I thought it was general consensus that these things sucked until my roommate bought them the other day. Don’t worry, I called him out HARD on it. He begged me to try it, so, in hopes that my memory had failed me, I had another and it was ABYSMAL. I dont even get the point. You have to bite off a gross piece of wax to suck out the smallest amount of not even good tasting juice. The biggest waste of time, and too much effort for a terrible experience. Nasty.

The Take- One Jar:

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If you are too lazy to open your door for Halloween, you are unamerican and you should be ashamed of yourself. It’s for the kids. But if you are away for the night or something, I understand where you’re coming from, but this never works. For the most part, it should work. Kids going around with their parents are going to want to take like 15, but their parents don’t want them having more candy, so they enforce the rule. They may claim to do it out of their good hearts, but what parent would want to see their kid with 100 pieces of candy? (I might…) But where this system fails is when you get those jackasses that are way too old to be going trick-or-treating,  but are still too young to drink. Middle school kids who put on a hat sideways and have no life are likely to take the entire jar. If the drinking age were lowered, we may be able to avoid this problem, but for now, it just won’t work because no kid likes going up to that and finding an empty jar.

Look, it’s really not that hard to please a kid at Halloween. No one is asking you to make the most elaborate decorations, or to even have a great costume, if any. Just please don’t give out this stuff. When all else fails, you can even give out a classic Jerry Pallotta book. As for everyone else out there, have a happy halloween, dress up, and thanks for stickin with FDAB.

~Little Spoon

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3 thoughts on “Halloween: The Worst Candies Ever

  1. Harlem Cat says:

    If some motherfucker tried to give me good and plenty I’d steal their pet

  2. Will Bunker says:

    wrong about baby ruths faggot

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