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The Interweb of Yesteryear

When someone says either interweb, internets, or ethernest my mind has a tendency to zoom and flutter about thinking of all of the websites I frequent: Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, FineDiningandBreathing, YouTube, and I am sure all of  you are familiar with the likes of Pinterest, StumbleUpon, 4chan if you suck, myriad music blogs, Tumblr, LinkedIn, and Sporcle if anyone still does that… But when I think of this, I realize that most of these websites were not around when I was younger, or if they were I simply did not know of their existence. So what the hell did I do with all my time on the erstwhile internet? Because I know when I get tired of all of the aforementioned sites, that’s it, game over, I’m out of internet and it’s time to move on.

But the truth of the matter is that the internet was glorious before all of these things clouded out what was truly important. So I am here to give you a list, in no particular order, of the 9 most important ways I used the internet as a budding sapling in the forest that was the internet.

1) Ebaumsworld

If you were trying to go check out some hilarious stuff, this was hands down the place to go. As a young’n a bunch of stuff on here was pushing it slightly as to what I should have been exposed to, but man this was hilarious. From The End of Ze World, to Got Rice? all the way back to Star Wars Kid…this was the place to go. (Also some good articles, games, etc) (Sidebar: Anyone still go on this site? No? Me neither)

2) Addictinggames.com

Wow. This website took up an enormous amount of my time. Who knew games could be so simple yet so, for lack of a better term, addicting. We all remember the classics like Mini-Putt, Helicopter, Driver’s Ed, Curveball, N-Game, and The Idiot Test. But the thing is, there were thousands of games at your disposal and the opportunities were endless. (If you’re reading this and getting your hopes up to go back and check it out, watch out, Nickelodeon owns the site now…yikes)

3) eCards

No, I’m not talking about those sometimes hilarious eCards you see on  facebook. I am talking about a good ole fashion movie/card hybrid that aunts, uncles, and Grandparents were all over (at least mine were…) These things were classic, they were cute and adorable, but to my knowledge have since disappeared. A casual gimmick that has run its course, and if I received one in my e-mail today I would be quite underwhelmed.

4) Homestar Runner

Um. If any of you is reading this right now and doesn’t know what this is, you might as well stop reading. That, or just go watch everything on this website. From Strong Bad e-mails to Teen Girl Squad to all sorts of clips and stuff, puppet stuff, and Marzipan’s answering machine. Not to mention Trogdor and the unreal clip that occurs when you click “first time here?” Okay, I am starting to realize that FDAB needs to give at least a whole post dedicated to this website alone. My god. Pure gold.

5) Bonus.com

I feel like this one was pretty underrated, but if you missed this one, you missed out big. It had everything from The Best Football Game Ever (yes that was the actual title, and if you can find this game on the internet for me somewhere, I will give you an honorary mention in the next post), John Elway Slalom, Jet Slalom, and then a bunch of others. Somehow this website went away and we are all worse for it.

6) Kazaa, Morpheus etc.

Remember when torrenting was not frowned upon at all? Remember when my Dad was actually the one to install this on our computer? Remember downloading a ton of music with the utmost of ease and proceeding to create countless 20 track mix cds and putting them in your discman? Because I do. This program was absolute sorcery to my 11 year old mind. I now have come to realize that this is just a torrent, but this was a simpler time and I did not take advantage of it as much as I should have. Though these programs led to the demise of many of my friends’ computers, it never hurt mine so I fully support it still.

7) Homestead.com

Was I the only one who screwed around making free websites all the time? Okay, maybe not all the time, but I certainly made my fair share. Again, something that used to be free, but now the world is making us pay for. It bothers me. Now these were not the most complex websites of all time, but they got the job done, you could post pictures, text, and anything else simple and share them with the world. And by world I mean the two friends I had at the time (Shout out to http://www.krustytable.com)

8) Eskimo Bob

Again, unreal classic that I think went underrated. This was short, brief, and to the point. Tracking a tale of two eskimos who go around clubbing seals and poking walruses, Eskimo Bob was an instant classic. Each clip was only about 30 seconds long so it was perfect for those of us children with short attention spans. If you missed the boat on this one, I  won’t be too too upset with you, but you certainly missed a gem.

9) AIM

Did you really think I wasn’t gonna go there? Oh my, was this ever the greatest thing of all time. Screennames, away messages, buddy profiles, warning people just to mess with them, budddy icons, SmarterChild, chatrooms, the unreasonable limit of how quickly you could send messages, and then needing to wait for the red to become green again, the invisible button so you could lie about being online, and so on. I was strongly against facebook chat when it came out, I wanted to hold onto AIM forever. I would still go back and use it if I could, but sadly the world has moved on, and I was forced as well to resign.

Yeah, yeah, okay maybe I missed a couple, like RuneScape or whatever else idiots did on the computer, but this is the list that mattered to me and I stand by it. But I also notice that most of these are shenanigans of the past for me. Even though they once stood tall as the greatest morsels of etherweb there was, other sites came in and took them over. So looking forward I wonder if the sites we love so much today will exist in 5 or 9 years. Only time will truly tell.

~Little Spoon

Post-script Honorable Mentions: Candystand.com  (specifically their mini-golf game which was arguably better than the addictinggames one), Askjeeves.com Penelopetaynt.com, Nobby Nuss,  and Netscape Navigator

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What Was Your First CD?

First off…remember CDs? I mean, right? But anyways, everyone remembers their first big CD. I’m not talking about some christian rap cd that your mom got you because she was “the cool mom.” I’m talking that big CD that you were excited to tell your buddies and/or listen to non stop for the whole year. The CD that made your parents regret the $14.95 they shelled out for that god damn music. If you had any of these CDs you had a good childhood. More than 1? Pretty awesome. If you had all of these then lets become best friends.

*NSYNC

Its no secret that FDAB fully supports the boy band era of the 90s. This CD was fire no matter how you slice it. I’m sure lots of our readers will act like tough guys and pretend they didn’t have it, but cmon. Looking back this wasn’t really a top to bottom club banger, but Tearin Up My Heart and Here We Go were enough to hold down all the tracks. Oh and what was that one song called….oh ya. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You = slow dance central.

P.S. if you had whatever the Backstreet Boys called their first album you were a certified chump. Hey Lil Spoon…you mad bro?

Space Jam

The best movie (?) of our generation deserves the best soundtrack. Putting a CD together with the likes of Coolio, Seal, R. Kelly, Busta Rhymes, B. Real, LL Cool J, Method Man, Quad City DJs, Barry White and Bugs Bunny is boarder line illegal. I Believe I Can Fly might be the most inspirational song of my childhood. And you better believe I was all about Hit Em High (The Monstars Anthem), which doubles as one of the best music videos from back in the day.

Who Let The Dogs Out

Anytime a CDs three best songs are all called Who Let The Dogs Out, you have a winner. The original mix plus the Remix and the Barking Mad Mix, sick. Couldn’t tell you any other tracks on this, but it didn’t matter. The larger point are two numbers. 14 and 20. 14 albums, 20 total members. Hey Wu Tang, you’ve been put on notice.

Bonus story: I was a kind older brother once and let Lil’ Spoon borrow this CD on a plane trip one time. Never saw it again, the retard left it on there. I was ashamed to show my face in school the next week. Shame…

Jock Jams (vol. 1)

You could talk me into Big Willie Style, but Jock Jams (vol. 1) was the ultimate pump up CD of the day. The 69 Boyz, Tag Team, Rob Base, Naughty by Nature AND the Village People? To paraphrase Barney Stinson, “A great pump up mix starts up, then goes up.” Plus Everybody Dance Now was the OG techno jam. Pure flames.

Big Willie Style

This is the only CD that has 3 songs on my top 15 songs of my childhood. Gettin Jiggy Wit It, Miami and Men In Black. Talk about crushing it. Obviously all of our readers know every lyric to all three of these songs. Throw in Just the Two of Us and we got an easy choice for first CD. I actually haven’t met a person born during 1988 – 1994 who didn’t own this CD.

Bonus: Gettin Jiggy Wit It was #1 on a chart called “Hot Rap Singles.” That’s the least surprising thing of all time.

For those of you keeping score at home, I had 4 of the 5 mentioned here (somehow Space Jam didn’t make into our house…). I’ll be taking best friend requests now…tweet as us and you might just win.

~Ya Boy

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What Happened to Corn Rows?

Esteemed followers,

A certain thing has come to my attention that I don’t think enough people are talking about. So I pose this question to you: what happened to corn rows? I know we all can think back to the glory days (roughly ’98-’04) when wearing jerseys was cool, headbands were more than in fashion, music was actually good, spinners were appreciated, Nickelodeon didn’t suck, and everyone who had any amount of swagger about them rocked corn rows at least briefly. But I ask you, what happened here? Why did we exhibit a cultural shift where these things went away, and we chose to replace them with the likes of OneDirection, iCarly, and Madagascar 3? Of course I could go forever on this topic as you all know, but today I will stick with corn rows. Let’s start by looking at some of the greatest corn rows of all time.

Omarion:

The man from B2K straight killed it with these cornrows, and not a single person can deny this one. I mean it also helps that he is a beast, was in an unreal R&B group, and disgusting at dancing.

Sean Paul:

Sean Paul Cornrow Hairstyles Android256

We all remember these, but we all kinda wish we didn’t. Sean Paul was an idiot. Don’t get me wrong, I used to bump his jams left, right, and center (still do when necessary), but he just looked real dumb with these.

Bow Wow and Lil’ Romeo:

These kids were unreal. And they killed it with the cornrows for sure. The kid’s version of the 2Pac/Biggie debate, except not really because obviously Bow Wow was a million times cooler, and his basketball movie outshined Romeo’s basketbal show, and his music was absolutely better, and he had more longevity, and probably got and still gets with hotter women yadda yadda yadda… Romeo’s got some great braids though.

Ludacris:

https://i1.wp.com/thirstyroots.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/Ludacris-Loses-Braids-And-Goes-For-A-New-Look-2.jpg

The thing about Luda is that his cornrows were very signifcant with respect and regards to his music career. The more hair he had, whether absurd afro or unreal cornrows, the better his music was. Let’s be honest, we were all real disappointed when his great return and revival was Money Maker, a bald, poor  man’s version of the Luda we knew and love back in the Word of Mouf hey-day. (Also go back and peep the tracklist from Word of Mouf , if you haven’t in a while you will be absolutely shocked how many jams they were able to pack into one CD)

Alicia Keys:

https://i1.wp.com/www.vissastudios.com/wp-content/gallery/alicia-keys-braids/alicia-keys-braids-hg-de.jpg

Are you kidding me? Probably the sexiest thing in the entire multiverse. Okay, maybe not really, but certainly way up there. When I say cornrows, I don’t usually think of women, but you can’t ignore Miss Keys on this one. Really the only downside from this was that from her, other girls felt like cornrows were okay for them too, so you started seeing 7th grade girls rocking the stupid hairstyle of cornrows going about halfway down the head, maybe with beads all over it. If you are a girl and you are reading this, I guarantee you thought it was cool once.

Bronson Arroyo:

http://www.tedsarmy.com/.a/6a01310f9ede0b970c017ee408f966970d-800wi

Now, this is a tricky one. Was this awesome or was it a dumb, terrible move? I’ll be honest, he made me want to get cornrows. I saw that, and I was like “alright, cool white people can do cornrows” but what we have to remember in assessing this is that I am an absolute idiot with really no sense of style. So I’m gonna give Bronson a thumbs-up on this one, though others will probably disagree.

Allen Iverson:

https://i1.wp.com/3.bp.blogspot.com/-QF1jj6wT3Mg/TkJbd6TvTgI/AAAAAAAAAaU/uArlf5sUF68/s1600/allen-iverson-hairstyles-11.jpg

If cornrows are the question, he is definitely The Answer. If you thought I wouldn’t mention him in this one, you should probably not be reading this post anyways. He was the god of cornrows, really no ifs or buts about it. Let’s not forget that he was absolutely disgusting when he had these, and was one of the coolest people of all time. I proudly rocked my A.I. jersey back in the day, and I looked up to him when I thought I was good at basketball (made the 8th grade all-star game somehow though)

This post is getting long so I will stop here. But if you notice one trend, it should be that none of these people has cornrows anymore. Everyone stopped rockin them, but why? Noone asked them to, and certainly no one wanted them to. Is it the difficulty of maintenance? Am I too lost in an era that it’s time to move on from? I don’t know. These things don’t have easy answers, but I will tell you this, if people ever want to make cornrows cool again, they have my full support.

~Little Spoon

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Girl Meets World….wait what?

So the Internet basically exploded the other day with the news that the creator of Boy Meets World is coming out with a new show, Girl Meets World, featuring Cory and Topanga as the parents. This obviously the biggest news of the last century, so of course your fearless leaders at FDAB are here to break it down.

The way I see it, this could go one of two ways. I’d say its ceiling is the second greatest sitcom series of all time (behind Boy Meets World, duh) and its floor is a mildly funny show that we don’t really watch, but when its on its like a really good commercial show. It won’t, nay  it  can’t, be a bad show. Teaming up Cory and Topanga in another show is bound for at least some success.

Obviously this show can’t be about all the old characters and what happened to their lives. Every other show that our moms watch are about people growing up and finding love and themselves and blah blah. We need a fresh take on Boy Meets World, which I believe Girl Meets World will deliver.

HOWEVER! It would be very wise of the creators to weave in the old characters and what they are up to. I mean, I assume this was how the show started. Can’t you see Michael Jacobs sitting alone in a dark room thinking of some way to get all the characters stories back? Finally, after like 12 years he’s got it. Enough time has passed so Cory and Topanga have a baby and boom, we’ve got some answers.

So with all that said, here are the most intriguing story lines that MUST be answered in Girl Meets World.

What happened to Plays With Squirrels?

This is the biggest mystery these eyes have ever seen. Bigger than the Chum Famine of ’59. I think its safe to say this was the one true reason Girl Meets World was made. We need to know how Eric transformed into Plays With Squirrels. If this story line is not included I just don’t know what I’ll do. But it won’t be good, I’ll say that much.

Did Shawn ever stop being a little whiny girl?

We can all agree that Shawn Hunter is the lamest tough guy around. Sure he grew up in a trailer park, didn’t have a dad who was there all the time, and wore a leather jacket. Get over it. I feel like the lame parts of the show were when Shawn was complaining that “he would never be successful like Cory” or that “Mr. Feeny hated him.” When he showed up as the original hipster at Feenys retirement, you knew not much had changed. I’d like to see this one play out for sure.

Is Morgan truly a fox we thought she would be?

If you recall, I wrote a piece a while back on how Disney got lucky over the years with casting girls young who turned out to be smokes. Kinda creepy, but effective. Now the big question is, will they cast the same actress? Because she’s kind of a fox right meow. But as you recall, she didn’t always play Morgan, so the producers won’t flinch to hire an even hotter babe. Anyone got an early prediction? I’ll put $100 on Kate Upton.

Will George Feeny make a return?

First off, the actor is still alive, so thats good news. Feeny always had a knack for getting teaching jobs wherever the kids academic journeys took them. No one will doubt that if Feeny wants to teach Little Topanga, he will make it happen. The question is if he wants to. For my money, this is the second best story line besides of course Plays With Squirrels.

Who will win the MFK game in the new series?

Again, if you recall back we put Topanga, Angela and Rachel into the battlefield of MFK. I made the controversial choice to marry Angela, and the most uncontroversial choice of all time by slaughtering Rachel. What will the new series bring us? My guess is that the producers actually did murder Rachel in real life, so there’s that. So really it comes down to how well Topanga plays the MILF role and whether or not Angela turned into a lesbian.

Did Minkus create the fictional version of Apple?

This would easily be the biggest twist of the series. Minkus returns as a billionaire Steve Jobs type who is just making it rain. I think my head would explode and this would certainly solidify the creators as the coolest guys ever. Given the fact that all major studio heads religiously read our blog, there’s a good chance this will happen. Minkus returns to the scene, you heard it here first.

For now, there is nothing to do but speculate. There is no date set yet, and really at this point it’s just a rumor. But I think the fact that internet blacked out for a few hours based on this news, they have to pull the trigger. UNDAPANTS!

~Ya Boy

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Halloween: The Worst Candies Ever

To our esteemed followers and  readers, the writers of FDAB would first and foremost like to thank you for bearing with us through our sabbatical. It has been a tough and grueling process, but in response to the random likes we have been getting on our Facebook pages, Ya Boy and Little Spoon have decided to make our triumphant return. Similar to my nickname on the basketball court this will either be a Trick or Treat. Hopefully the latter.

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Which brings me to today’s topic. As we are all aware, today is Halloween, so I would like to take you through quite possibly the worst candies to receive as a child. I mean we’re all looking for the one house that is giving out the king-sizes (maybe even hit that house 3 or 4 times), because the fun size really is not that fun…

Almond Joy:

As a child, I didn’t even know these two words could exist concurrently, but I soon came to realize, as every strapping young lad would, that this candy is as much of a “Joy” as my dad’s Goya Delight is a “Delight.” Seriously parents, unless these are on sale and you are a giant cheapskate, the only viable reason you have to be handing out these or Mounds is if you are very hopeful and think kids are going to donate these to their elementary school’s charity candy drive.

Raisinets:

https://i2.wp.com/cdn4.blogs.babble.com/strollerderby/files/2010/10/raisinet.gif

Don’t get me wrong, these actually taste kind of good. But what kid wants raisins for Halloween?  Do you know how easy it is to get your hands on these things during the rest of the year? I am a kid, and I am looking for candy. For me, this doesn’t make the cut. This is like something that a math teacher gives out three of to anyone who can do times tables.

Pay Day/ Baby Ruth:

https://i1.wp.com/www.candywarehouse.com/assets/item/regular/payday-im-126237.jpghttps://i1.wp.com/www.candy.com/assets/images/CompanyImages/Nestle/BabyRuthBar_450.jpg

I don’t even understand where these come off as candies. First off, Baby Ruth needs to seriously consider the fact that everyone in this country is convinced that it is named after Babe Ruth (which would be kind of weird that they called him baby…) but it’s actually named after Grover Cleveland’s daughter. Second, it honestly looks like a turd. Whatever. Pay Day is missing a huge ingredient…chocolate. We all want chocolate. Obviously we want some more diversity than that, but no one wants nuts and nougat and no chocolate. If you are giving these out, I am likely to turn my nose up.

Good and Plenty:

https://i2.wp.com/www.candyblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Good-n-plenty.jpg

Arguably the most misleading candy name in the history of candies. There certainly are plenty, because one is more than enough. These are god awful. I don’t know if I have ever met anyone who likes these, and I don’t think I want to. The other candies on this list at least have some trading potential with the few weirdos that would rather have them than a Reese’s cup. But no one trades for these. They are a poor man’s Mike and Ike and nobody wants these. Not to mention, they look like medicine and unless you somehow scored some bubblegum medicine, no one wants that. The next step is any of a number of grape candies that taste like cough syrup.

Caramel Apple:

https://i2.wp.com/img.foodnetwork.com/FOOD/2009/08/13/FNM100109Centerfold010_s4x3_lg.jpg

Though I may never have actually seen this given out in real life, I know people give them out. Do these people understand that I am trying to just lug around a pillow case full of candy and I really am not trying to carry around a sticky apple in my hand all night?  This also goes along with the Raisinets thing about giving out fruits. Get outta here.

Wax Bottles:

https://i0.wp.com/stores.phillysweettooth.com/catalog/WaxBottles.jpg

I thought it was general consensus that these things sucked until my roommate bought them the other day. Don’t worry, I called him out HARD on it. He begged me to try it, so, in hopes that my memory had failed me, I had another and it was ABYSMAL. I dont even get the point. You have to bite off a gross piece of wax to suck out the smallest amount of not even good tasting juice. The biggest waste of time, and too much effort for a terrible experience. Nasty.

The Take- One Jar:

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If you are too lazy to open your door for Halloween, you are unamerican and you should be ashamed of yourself. It’s for the kids. But if you are away for the night or something, I understand where you’re coming from, but this never works. For the most part, it should work. Kids going around with their parents are going to want to take like 15, but their parents don’t want them having more candy, so they enforce the rule. They may claim to do it out of their good hearts, but what parent would want to see their kid with 100 pieces of candy? (I might…) But where this system fails is when you get those jackasses that are way too old to be going trick-or-treating,  but are still too young to drink. Middle school kids who put on a hat sideways and have no life are likely to take the entire jar. If the drinking age were lowered, we may be able to avoid this problem, but for now, it just won’t work because no kid likes going up to that and finding an empty jar.

Look, it’s really not that hard to please a kid at Halloween. No one is asking you to make the most elaborate decorations, or to even have a great costume, if any. Just please don’t give out this stuff. When all else fails, you can even give out a classic Jerry Pallotta book. As for everyone else out there, have a happy halloween, dress up, and thanks for stickin with FDAB.

~Little Spoon

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