Hey, Where’s Perry?

Perry in this situation is clearly a metaphor for the two ya boys who write/dominate this blog. We have quietly not posted anything since February 11th, and if the goal is to start a worldwide phenomenon, then mishaps such as this cannot happen. Now, I am not here writing to you today with promises of “being better at posting” or “posting when we are supposed to” or anything like that. To be fair, we hired a new writer who was supposed to be posting this whole time but not so secretly has not posted once. Alas, the aforementioned writer can add scapegoat to an already long list of other misfortunes in his life.

But besides hiring the ugly barnacle to our staff, we have been creating quite an interesting concept for our major comeback. And by this of course I mean we spent 10 minutes on it once. But nevertheless if/when we post it, it will be absolutely glorious. You guys will sit in your chairs, jaws agape, and be absolutely speechless.  Get ready. Tell your friends. Hopefully you guys will think of us as…*not lame!*

Anyways, back to the lecture at hand. Perfection is perfected so ima let them understand.  But actually anyways since I so cleverly began this comeback post with a beautifully crafted metaphor about Perry the Platypus, I will wrap this guy up talking about a super hero who has the easiest job in the world.

Think about it! Concealing the identity of ones super hero-ness is often times a very hard and daunting task. But considering no one notices that Perry is ever gone until the end of the episode, that part is a breeze. Combine that with the fact that his only job is to stop Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Doof is by far one of the worst evil villains in the game. Just constantly messing up his short sided inventions and what not. Perry the Winter Hatapus gets all the credit as a super good crime stopper, but really he just watches as Doof messes up, makes one or two athletic moves and boom problem solved. Plus, the crimes are never that serious or threatening so overall it’s just no biggie.

However, this is not a hate blog against Perry. In fact, I envy his Situation. Think about it. He’s a platypus, they don’t do much. Plus I assume that his double life leads to some very scandalous adventures with female platypuses and legendary forays in the platypus celeb world. This is probably definitely the case, so play on player. If my only job in life was to stop an idiot from sort of causing minor inconveniences to my respective Tri-State Area, and I received high praise from it, I would be pretty pumped.

So tell your friends, Backstreets Back, all right! But don’t say that because you’ll end up like this kid, and no one wants that. Just tell them that Fine Dining and Breathing is back to take over the world berry.

Until next time (which is who knows when!),

Ya Boy

Clip of the Day:

Backyard Baseball 2001

Arrite so here at FDAB we claim to have extensive knowledge of all things from our childhood (And we do!) But one sad confession I have is that I never owned the original Backyard Baseball, I know, call me crazy, I was too busy tearing up Sim City 2000. But anywho, when the time came, I sacked up and got the best computer game to my knowledge (close rival of Roller Coaster Tycoon).

I could bring you through my entire star-studded lineup but instead I will just throw out some quick reminders of who the top dogs were way back in the day when Mr Clanky was pitching BP and Sunny Day and Vinne the Gooch (questionable name for a kid’s game) were on the sidelines getting their announcing game in early.

Look on the one hand, you could be like me and pick a million MLB players to stack your team: Kenny Lofton (probably the most versatile player in the game, great contact, extremely fast, and for no foreseeable reason a dirty pitcher), Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, Ken Griffey Jr, Frank Thomas, Shawn Green, Juan Gonzales, etc. etc. etc.

But no, everyone knows that they were all legends, but let’s peep the prospects of the diamond from way back:

Achmed Khan:

This kid was a rockstar. He pulled the headphones move before it was cool (I’m lookin at you kid from Hardball). But I digress, kid was also a champ on the field. Had a great arm, and was an overall great kid to have on the bench. He never caused any problems because he was continuously getting pumped up by whatever it was that he was listening to under those headphones. Also sidebar: He was so much cooler and better than Amir Khan. God Amir sucked. Classic case of little brother sucking. But hey, let’s be honest even a 2 year difference can make a humongous difference when youre younger.

Kenny Kawaguchi:

I have a personal bias for this guy, I will be honest. Why? Well because the first time I played this game I bombed a grand slam with him. That’ll seal the deal for any 6 year old. Now I’m not sure if they were trying to reach out to the disabled folk of yesteryear, but I don’t even care at this point, this kid could jack homeruns from a chair. Seriously sit down in a chair and play baseball, tell me it ain’t impossible. But yeah, this kid would definitely fool you the first time you play, like “I’m not picking the kid in the chair” Oh you should DEFINITELY pick the kid in the chair or you are missing out sir (or madam).

Angela Delvecchio:

Ya Boy will tell you that he was the person in the family to find this hidden gem. Yes, I’ll admit it, I was an extremely sexist kid (not saying that I’ve fully grown out of that yet either) but I didn’t want girls on my team. They’re girls for god’s sake. And don’t even try to give me any of that bull about girls being just as good of athletes as guys. I’m pretty sure Ya Boy has defeated some D1 NCAAW chicks in the rec center a few times. But I digress. Angela is a special case. She was the most powerful pitcher in a video game. The only person that even came close to rivaling her was AJ Burnett’s style in MVP Baseball 2003. Put them toe-to-toe, and I’m picking Angela on this one, no doubt. I mean her brother was the biggest d-bag this side of ever, who did he think he was? Point is, once you can get over the fact that her family probably sucks, and that she’s a girl, she’s pure gold on the diamond.

Pete Wheeler:

Classic idiot. This kid had to be the stupidest kid on the face of the earth. Everyone had a kid that Pete reminded them of. When he bunted he TURNED AROUND. But BOY did this kid have wheels, and I mean WHEELS. He turns those things on, and you are absolutely toast. I mean it made sense, I’m pretty sure he was like 2 feet taller than everyone else. At that age, height is part of what matters to be a speedster. I’m not trying to take anything away from him, but I guarantee he didn’t grow up to me the 100m champion. He probably turned into a cross-country runner or something stupid like that. But seriously, draft this kid. Great for team morale (how would anyone know that?) And I guarantee you that no matter how well he did the kids on the bench would be like “aw shit, Pete’s up again, here comes another out” and then whooop, SURPRISE WIN, kid bunts a triple. I’m sure he did.

Pablo Sanchez:

I think that says it all. No really, do I even need to explain this kid? This kid was the face of the entire game. Arguably the most racist kid in the game, but everyone looked away so it was no big. We’re talking about a chubby kid who probably saw all the rest of the kids playing baseball, so he went up to them, started talking a mile a minute in Spanish. The other kids probably had no idea what he was saying, but, their mistake, let him play. Wow is there anyone that would be worth selectting over him? I don’t even think when you throw the MLB players in there is anyone that comes close. (Sidebar: We all know that he secretly knew English right? The original troll)

Look, if you’re not convinced, then put these guys to the test. I’m sorry if I left out some of your favorite characters like Dmitri Petrovich (the world’s best punter), or Ernie Steele who was quietly 5′ ^” as a 10 year old….yeah….or Mikey Thomas who  had a cold every day of his life, or Dante Robinson who would do anything you wanted for candy and hamburgers, or Luanne Lui who, let’s be honest, was the cutest girl in the game. I don’t mean that in a creepy way, she was adorable with that pink teddy bear.

All in all, I’m glad that these kids’ parents encouraged them to go out and play the most organized games of sports you’ve ever seen in kids this age. They had the most diverse peer group ever, they were all unreal at sports, and they even were interesting enough to get a lot of different personalities to announce their games. Talk about unreal on top of unreal.

~Little Spoon

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MFK: The Boy Meets World Chicks

Ah yes, a good ole game of Marry Fuck Kill. And this time up to bat are the chicks from Boy Meets World: Topanga, Angela and Rachel. On the surface it seems like an easy call, a no brainer if you will. Alas! When I took some precious time to think about this question, I realized that Boy Meets World has taken what we thought we think and made us think we thought our thoughts we’ve been thinking our thoughts we think we thought… I think? Basically, this question is not so cut and dry as one might assume.

Disclaimer: This author is using the characters circa the time Rachel showed up, so like when Eric and Jack had that sick apartment and somehow Mr. Feeney got a job teaching the cast in college for like every class, and also when Cory got suspended from college for literally one day which quietly isn’t a thing.

Let’s start with Topanga and Angela. Now, conventional wisdom would state that you marry Topanga and get a little rowdy rowdy with Angela. This is fair, because Topanga shows great loyalty as a girlfriend/wife and ends up being a smokeshow. Also Angela is a black chick so that’s kind of awesome for picking one of them to bone. Sidebar: It’s really awesome. Now, they both have their downsides, naturally. Topanga, despite her longevity and loyalty, has had a minor mess up here and there, most notably a questionable close call with Shawn. Angela, on the other hand, seemed to be indecisive on her relationship with Shawn. On again, off again. Get it together woman!

But here’s my take: I am marrying Angela here. Say what?! Yes its true. Topanga has way too much baggage for my liking. I mean, she dated Cory from middle school through college. I’m not trying to marry that and deal with all of the fall out. Cory did this, Cory did that. All day long, it never ends! Plus, I’m not nearly as hilarious as Cory, so I feel like Topanga would be let down constantly because I just can’t make her laugh like he used to. That would eventually take a toll on our matrimony and we would end up like Mr. and Mrs. Bighead. Yikes. I’d rather bang out Topanga and then immediately ditch her at breakfast the next morning, if only to brag to everyone that I did the dirty with Topanga Lawrence, and I was so baller that I ditched her at breakfast. Fictional character bone sesh swag for days.

Marrying Angela is an easy choice for me. She could appreciate that I am good kid, not some wanna be tough guy like Shawn Hunter. I don’t have abandonment issues and I am on track to provide for a family. Can Shawn say that? Didn’t think so. That’s why she would be drawn to me instantly and we would make a great biracial couple. Throw in the fact that she turns out to be a journalist, which is huge. Think about the possibility of traveling for her stories. I like me some travel time, so I could j lounge while she is writing some stories. I would push her to be a travel writer or a sports reporter obviously. March Madness here I come.  Plus, you gotta take any chance you can to create black baby ballers to go to the NBA/NFL and make that pro athlete cash.  Child athlete swag for days.

I am obviously murdering Rachel. Not even gonna think twice about this one. It becomes a question of how at this point. As in, how will I slaughter this chick? What I never understood was why do Jack and Eric battle over her? I kind of get Eric’s position…he is such a moron that he just does whatever Jack does. While this is hilarious, it doesn’t mean that two awesome dudes with an even more awesome apartment should be fighting for the love of some pale ginger who is loudly 7’4. Did anyone think she was hot? I mean Jack could do a lot better right?  No swag here, just the consequences of playing the dirty little game of Marry Fuck Kill.

Editors Note: Mrs. Matthews was sneaky hot for a 90’s TV mom. Since I wouldn’t dare cross Mr. Matthews I left her out of this little shindig. Believe you me, if she was thrown in the mix we might have had a riot on our hands. Respect for Mr. Matthews swag for days.

~The Real Ya Boy

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Clip of the Day:

The Kool Krew

It has recently occurred to me that most tv we used to watch, or still watch, revolves around a dinky character who is trying to be popular. So I am going to delve into  some of the coolest guys we got to see as a young kid. The people who, though they were popular in the show, we probably wouldn’t hang out with in real life. I’m not talking about any of the people you emulated as a kid (though you may have emulated some of them) I’m talking about the kids that were way too cool for school, I’m talking about the following characters, beginning with the obvious:

Hermes “Jesse” Katsopolis (Full House):

Uncle Jesse of Full House fame may be the king of “supposed to be cool.” I mean he impersonates Elvis, he’s a high school dropout, and he has great hair. (You’ll note that the great hair theme is a big one when it comes to the popular crowd). Point is, I never thought Jesse was cool. Even back in the day when I still thought Dave Coulier was funny, yes there was a time. To be fair, the guy had a banging hot wife, especially for a 90s dramedy. But let’s be serious, we’re talking about a guy who still thinks that his band his going to hit it big, even after the guy has two kids, he mooches off Bob Saget’s money, but who doesn’t in that family? Seriously, what’s going on there?  The voice of Ted Mosby just says, “Hey everyone, yeah it’s fine if you want to live in my house. No its cool, you don’t need to get a real job. You’re the brother of my late wife, we have no blood connection, but ya.” Bullshit. But hey, if you think he’s cool, power to you?

Ethan Craft (Lizzie McGuire):

This kid is living proof that sometimes looks ARE everything. Seriously, without looks, what else does this guy have? Well it doesn’t matter because he has the greatest hair known to man (note the trend here) But seriously even Lizzie McHilary said “Even with paint in his hair, he still looks perfect.” There ya go. He is the most popular guy in the world, but also the dumbest. Kid pulled a 0 on a math test. Come on bro, even MY worst grade on a test was a 5. But hey, before we get hasty and decide that he would actually be cool in real life, it really isn’t hard to be the coolest guy on that show. I mean, who is his competition? Gordo? Matt? The dad? No chance. Either way, Ethan definitely has a great CRAFT with his hair. His secret? “It says lather, rinse, repeat…I don’t repeat”

Seth Powers (Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide):

I’m going to keep this one brief. But for those of you who don’t know, Seth represents one of the most underrated shows of all time: Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide. The reason I will keep this brief, is because he is literally just the biggest Ethan Craft knockoff of all time. I mean he dates the hot blonde, is the dumbest kid in the world, and has PHENOMENAL hair. I mean, Ned had a run for his money to beat Seth for best hair at one point, but that was just one day. Seth has this godly blonde flow rockin all day every day all night dude. Furthermore, the kid gets away with rockin’ bball warmups and spinning a basketball on his finger consistently, and people STILL love him. I wish I could get away with that, dress casual all the time…oh wait i do, rockin a groutfit right now. But I don’t get away with it nearly to the extent that Seth does. I don’t think anyone does.

Logan Reese (Zoey 1o1):

Okay, how does this kid get the honor of being the cool kid? He is probably the worst kid I have ever seen in my life. Always rocking tank tops, to show off what muscles, Logan? WHAT MUSCLES? And that  dumb curly hair, come on guy. I mean, to be fair, the people closest to him hate him, but he still does work his way around with a lot of the ladies. Is it because he is the richest kid on campus? Maybe. I know it can’t be his muscles, and what possible charm could this kid have? This kid is classic too cool for school, but ALSO a classic case of hiding his nerd side with a douche side. The kid is actually an unreal chemist APPARENTLY. And then he goes on to date that Quinn girl? Really? Whatever, no judgments. Kid is a scumbag, but fits today’s definition of “cool.” I think he sucks though. I think he more than sucks.

Imaginary Gary (Fairly OddParents):

If you missed this one, Gary only pops up in one ep of the Fairly OddParents, when Timmy wishes his imaginary friend would come to life (Note: Not to be confused with the imaginary friend Larry). Yo this kid had swag before swag was even cool. A swag hipster if you will. I won’t, because that’s just stupid. No this kid is instantly cool, giving everyone nicknames, and charming the pants off errabody. He says what is and isn’t cool, and I don’t think a single person questions him once. Look, if you don’t think this kid is cool, even Trixie Tang wants on this guy’s d. If you don’t understand that reference, do you want I should explain the chart? Point is, everyone left Timmy to roll with this guy, but it turns out that he actually sucks and is an asshole, again fitting in with this “too cool for school” theme. He doesn’t even go to school! He doesn’t need to. He’s straight drippin swagu.

Sean Hunter (Boy Meets World):

Okay, now I know what you are thinking, “Yo Sean was never that cool.” And I’m thinking it too. In fact, I even got Boy Meets World fresh off the ol’ DVR so I have been paying close attention to this case. Arrite, while Sean doesn’t immediately come off as a kid that you would think of as cool, you need to realize what the kids at his school thought, because, let’s face it, coolness is all relative to your rank among those around you. It’s not an objective thing at all. BUT, that being said, Sean Hunter again has amazing hair. Flow out the window. This kid has been picking up girls forever with the simplest hair-flip. That’s it, a goddamn hairflip. I gotta learn that move. He has a 30 foot range. Yes, that does mean that girls 30 feet away from him will say hi to him just because he did a hairflip, he doesn’t even need to be looking at them. That’s pretty cool, admit it. As opposed to Ethan, Sean went to a pretty cool school in a phenomenally cool place. He was among the ranks of Eric Matthews, John Turner, and even Matty Lawrence was in there. Very cool indeed. I wouldn’t want to be his friend though, because he is always complaining about something. He is supposed to be this tough-exterior guy, but I feel like sometimes he plays the guilt card harder than Elliot Reid.

Well those guys are all “cool” but they’re not the only cool guys we ever saw so I will drop some of my honorable mentions:

Kevin (Ed Edd n Eddy)

Larry Beale (Even Stevens)

Nick Dean (Jimmy Neutron)

~Little Spoon

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Classic Books

Here at FDAB, it seems like we are always trying to compare shows or pit movies against each other. Which one is better? Or, who ya got? While that’s all fine and dandy, today I’d like to simply call your attention to some classic book series’ that we all used to love back in the day buffet. And for the record, the books I am about to mention have made appearances on TV/will be on TV in the near future, so all the haters out there can shut it. (Sidebar: the fact that we have haters speaks volumes to what we are doing here at FDAB as well as our overall web presence.)

Animorphs – K.A. Applegate

I LOVED these books. Just a couple kids who meet an alien and then all of sudden can turn into animals. Genius! What 8 year old wasn’t all about that plotline? Aliens were trying to take over, and a couple of animorphing kids are tasked with stopping it. Plus, one of their boys was actually an alien who could morph into a kid…more gold! These books were so well written that my siblings and I pretended to be the Animorphs in the basement (this was circa the time when Lil Spoon still ate backwards lunches and YB was fresh off a life changing game of Extreme Indoor Duck, Duck, Goose). The great thing about these books was you had to read them in order to get the whole story, not just a random collection of different, unrelated stories like some of the other series’ I will mention. Really taught me a lesson about doing things start to finish. Thanks K.A.!

A related note: I was convinced that there were only 6 of these books before I hit Wikipedia. To my horror, there are actually 54. What? Is this real life? How did I miss 48 books? Should I hit the library? To people who graduated college even go to the library? This sucks.

Goosebumps – R.L. Stine

The original 2 initials author, Mr. Stine brought scary and creepy tales to millions of children’s eyes. If you were anything like me, these books were sweet because I was never allowed to watch Are You Afraid of the Dark? So I could still get my fill of the heebie-jeebies while also claiming it was scholastic. Back in the day, reading was considered educational, so if you could snag a couple of Goosebumps books you were all set. Mom would stop nagging, and you could scare yourself to the point of pooping your pants all night long. Plus, they were good to bring into school for reading time because then you could make fun of the loser chick next to you reading things like Brian’s Winter or My Brother Sam is Dead. I’m sure if we went back and read these books now they wouldn’t be that scary, but that’s neither here nor there. Based on memory alone, these were great books to read. Plus, the word “Goosebumps” was always raised on the cover and felt cool…so there’s that.

The Adventures of The Bailey School Kids – Marcia T. Jones and Debbie Dadey

Remember these books? They were so awesome. Just crazy plotlines left and right. Vampires Don’t Wear Polka Dots, Martians Don’t Take Temperatures, Mrs. Claus Doesn’t Climb Telephone Poles and Robots Don’t Catch Chicken Pox. Like, how is Bailey School this infected with mythical creatures? Or are these kids just nut jobs? That was the best part of these books, they never really told you. The reader was left to decide what was real and what wasn’t. I think at the time I would have bet that these kids were right. Because to be honest, I agree that Leprachauns Don’t Play Basketball, or that Wizards Don’t Wear Graduation Gowns. I got your back, Bailey School Kids.

Captain Underpants – Dav Pilkey

This book series sums up everything that Lil Spoon embodied as a youngster. Poop jokes, diaper jokes and a dude running around in nothing but his underpants – this had all the makings of a Lil Spoon Book of the Year Award (editor’s note: not an actual award). I have to admit I thought they were pretty funny myself, even though I was way too old to be reading them. Every once in a while, our man Dav (sweet name guy) would come out with some sort of ‘activity’ book where you could control what happened and all that. Pretty innovative stuff given the high level of immaturity associated with each issue. This book series gains extra props from FDAB because of its controversy, apparently being banned in a lot of schools, with one high school going so far as to ban any and all Captain Underpants costumes. As an adult writing insanely immature stories, this had to have made our boy Dav smile. Also, if you are craving some Captain Underpants but don’t want to be caught dead reading it, you can take your little brother to see the movie, which this past year was given the green light by DreamWorks studio, so watch out for that. Long Live Captain Underpants.

Of course there were plenty of other good reads, but since they were not turned into television programs I can’t legally dive into them. I’m talking of course about books such as the Matt Christopher Sports series and The Fudge Series (Tales of a Fourth Grade Ya Boy). But since we’re here, there is a book that I absolutely hate and should never be read by anyone in school again. I’m looking at you Rolling Thunder, Hear My Cry. Just shut up already. I’m pretty sure I was required to read that thing like 3 years in a row and never did. To quote Peter Griffin, “It insists upon itself.”

So ignore that hate filled last few sentences, and maybe take a break from your busy day to revisit some of the classics. You know you want to…

~ Ya Boy

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